A part of me wants to sit in my house all day long and cry and appreciate everything and never leave. However, where is that going to get me?

The other part of me wants to be okay with moving, leave, and move on with life.

I hate change. Nothing will ever feel like home to me more than where I am right at this moment, and where I’ve been my whole life. 

I’ve learned to deal with so much on my own. Sometimes I say to myself I need someone more than ever right now, but I ignore those thoughts because no one ever stays. 

My license.
A sketchbook.
A new capo for my guitar.
A microphone.
Another journal.

Where does that word exist in my life anymore? 

I never realized how hard it would be to face change. It’s like a literal slap in the face. Reality is saying to me, “Holly, you better either get over or embrace the change because you can’t do a damn thing about it.” I’m sixteen. I’ve lived in the same house my whole life. I’m nearly finished with my sophomore year of high school.

I’m moving whether it’s in the next few months to a whole new city where I know NO one, or in the next two years where I have time to prepare for this change. I’m also going to be a junior in high school. But wait, haven’t I always known this was coming? I mean we spend our lives wondering what the future is like, and when you’re there, it’s impossible to swallow. What I’m saying is, I’m a utter and complete mess. Moving somewhere I don’t want to move being even a remote possibility is the most distracting thing ever. Instead of enjoying my time in my house now until I have to move, I spend my time thinking about how much it’s going to hurt to pack boxes and see this place completely empty. How does anyone just adjust to that? I probably sound like a baby. I’m just scared. I’m really scared. When I said this would be the year I’d over come fear, I never thought this would be a part of it, honestly. 

You know what’s pathetic? Two things actually. This place where there’s a possibility of us moving to, my parents love. They would be happy. I’m objecting it, what kind of daughter am I? I put everyone before myself, and I try to help people so much, so is this life’s way of testing me? I feel so selfish, but I can’t help it. And two, my parents are bribing me to move. They’ve tried saying they’ll get me a puppy, a car, complete freedom. None of that will ever be enough. None of that will ever be home. None of that will ever be this place that I’m sitting in right now.

On top of that, I’m going to be a junior in high school. Where did my childhood go? I’m going to get my license, and make plans for college, and eventually graduate and move out and oh my god. I just want to stay sixteen and be that dreamer that hides in her room lit up by white christmas lights at 4am wondering about what the future will be like, and not worrying about growing up. 

But then there’s the other part in me that wants to grow up and make something of myself so badly. To just do what I love and change lives.

Fear is the monster inside of me. My silence is a cry for help. I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I can’t remember the last time I heard someone say that to me. 

Weight off my shoulders. 

So happy. omg. 

Thanks to Molly and Joey :)

Molly took me through 4 floors of CIA because it was BFA week, and there were a ton of really cool gallery/booth things set up by senior students at CIA. 

There was a few that caught my attention. The first one was a girl named Sarah, she’s a photography major and in her gallery/booth thing, she used her almost drowning experience and channeled it through photography. It really caught my attention because it was all about fear and revisiting the trauma till solution is found. I took a copy of her thesis statement and it was really just explaining the fear of losing control. I just felt like it really related to me and I appreciated it a lot.

The second one was a guy I believe, and he was a communications design major. There was a poster/picture in his gallery/booth thing that said “What if all of us did everything in our power to make this world a better place for everyone? We certainly wouldn’t be living the way we do now.” And I also remember there being about 8 pictures of different people with a ongoing caption through each of the pictures. I really loved it because it made me feel like I could channel everything I believe in and want to change/help people with through that kind of art. 

Those two were definitely my favorite. I still literally have no idea what I’m going to do/want to do for college, but at least I got a taste of CIA, so it’s most definitely an option. I’m just so glad I got to experience that. 

I think if I went to CIA I’d major in communication design or double major with that and photography. 

So. Many. Options. 

I have time. 

So today was the day everything finally came crashing down on me.

All of my built up emotions just came out of no where. Of course one minor thing triggered it and I kind of over reacted a bit, but, I’m human.

I cried for a total of about 3 minutes and then I swallowed the knot in my throat and got over it. Note, I don’t cry. Like ever. I’m not saying that to sound like a bad ass, I just don’t cry that often. If I had a choice at the time, I would of just stayed in my room and cried out all the tears and emotions that I needed to, to start over. I was at work, though. 

It’s all true thought, everything gets worse before it gets better. You have to hit rock bottom to be able to rise back to the top. 

I really hope yesterday was the end of this ridiculous slump I’ve been in for the past few months. It’s actually been on and off.

All I know is, tomorrow is a new day. 

\m/

I never thought id be sitting here, asking myself these questions.

What am I going to do for college?

Who are my real friends?

Who do I need to eliminate in my life in order to life a positive life?

Will everything be okay?

Am I forever alone? <— Jk. but srsly.

Sigh.